Friday, May 14, 2010

Exhibit A

I leave in 15 days to be a missionary...
I'm a bartender/designer now.
Sometimes at night (in between insomnia and late night shifts) I find myself going over the events that shaped the person I am now. I can't help but ask, how in the world did I get to where I am today? I shouldn't be alive or in the great health that I am. There are stories all over about how God takes a person and makes molds them into His image. You can call me Exhibit A.
The downfall of my humanity started in college. I had a boyfriend who pretty much ruled my life. He was an all star sports super hero in the eyes of our small college and I got suckered into the lifestyle and the attention that came with it. By this time, my parents had divorced, my heart had been broken by my "first love" and my grandmother had died all within 6 months of each other. Rough. I subconsciously thought that if I let him control me then I wouldn't have to worry about making decisions, or thinking for myself, or having self respect... Sounds pathetic right? I was. He was my release; my drug of choice and I got addicted. When pain comes into your life that is so real and you aren't sure how to deal with it or if you will ever get over it, I've learned you tend to shut down and shut others out of your life. I could sit here and blame him for everything that went wrong after that point, but it wouldn't be fair. I made all the decisions whether he had influences in them or not, it was all on me. Hind sight is 20/20 unfortunately. Because of the events of that relationship, I let go of my friends and family. I retreated into him and in a way I had the right idea... I needed something bigger in my life to take away the pain I was going though, but it wasn't human comfort that I needed. I wanted it, but it wasn't a necessity.
God is bigger than my problems and more comforting than any man would be. He is my strength, and help in my time of trouble. He can comfort me, even when I am unconsolable. Taking His path and returning my life back to Him was undoubtedly the best decision ever. I am His.

God is our refuge and strength, An ever present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1