Day 1- My Tree/My Mission

A little bit about myself...

Some days I wake up and I feel so great about life. I know that I have a God that loves me, I have great friends, an AMAZING family, and an awesome support system. Other days, I wake up and need to be reminded of the previously mentioned things. I'm not perfect and no one should really listen to my "words of wisdom," but I do have a story. And in this story of mine are words of humiliation, words of embarrassment, but hopefully words of encouragement. Beth Fox said it best, "God doesn't waste any pain." So here is my pain.

When I was young I had this tree that I would "run away" to; it wasn't far from my home, obviously... I was 11. It had these ginormous arms that that came to a perfect valley near the trunk where I could sit, sleep, read, laugh, think, and cry. I had two sisters and four brothers... I cried A LOT. "Booshwa Bekah" (I'm not even sure if that is how you spell it, but phonetically that should work) or "Big Nose Bekah." These names haunt me to this day. I'll always be a little self conscious about my looks because of the teasing and the ridicule that ensued when I was a child. When the teasing got to be too much I would run. No one missed me. Our house was so huge it didn't really matter if anyone had left or not. I remember screaming at God. I would ask him every day why no one loved me, why I wasn't pretty life my sisters, or athletic and smart like my brothers. I couldn't understand why I was the only child out of 7 that got picked on or teased. I was in my own little world. Can anyone say, 'middle child syndrome?!'

My family loved me. They would bend over backwards to help me. It has taken 23 very difficult years of life to learn that. When I was focused on me, so were they. Brothers tease sisters. It's a part of life. Sister's steal each other's clothes and ruin them and lie about it. (Ask my oldest about her favorite khaki skirt. I'll bet my life savings she remembers it magically disappearing.) It's what we do. It doesn't make the love of family go away, it makes us strong and it gives us really great stories to laugh about when we are older.

In my tree, I would cry until it got dark and I would make pacts with God. "God if you make me pretty, I'll do whatever you want." "God if you change this or that part of my life, I promise I'll be your servant." God is so much smarter than I am. He knew I wanted to change my life to fit a lifestyle I could be comfortable with. When I look back (hind sight is 20/20) all I see is me begging and God quietly standing by while I threw a temper tantrum/pity party. He was ever present in my time time of trouble but I was too focused on myself to see him. This would be something that followed me in to my adulthood. When I needed something from God (and I was needy let me tell you) I would bargain for it.

It never worked.

Ever.

Instead of making me pretty or smart or athletic, God gave me a heart for people. Not my idea of a great time, but it's His gift and I'm taking it whole heartedly. I feel like God is directing me to the Mission Field. I'm not 100% sure where that is going to take me, but I do know that I will be heading back to Honduras for the month of June to see if that is the direction I'm supposed to be traveling. For the record, I'm leaving my childhood insecurities behind me.

I still have a tree today, metaphorically speaking. When I get down or depressed or self conscious, I crawl into those ginormous arms that wrap around me and remind me that He is in control, He made me the way I am, He has a purpose for my life, and He will always be there in my ever present trouble. These are reminders that I will take with me to the field.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.-Ephesians 4-29-32